A Beginning...from way back

Hooray! First blog! Since this is a new thing for me, I thought I'd give it some perspective by adding something I wrote a couple years ago.



Ok, my idea of this vacation was that it was a very planned out camping trip. Well, that idea quickly faded as I realized it was a last minute improv trip. I think that made it better; it was a go-wherever-the-wind-takes-you kinda thing.

I woke up especially early to shower so I'd feel fully clean for at least that day (again, I thought I'd be out in the wilderness pissin' with the deers and bathin' with the fish). We left at around 7:30am and drove toward the Sierra Mountains. I don't remember much from that beginning stretch except that at one point I was really mad that I lost my Sudoku game (I didn't know it shut off after like two minutes). I got over that pretty fast when my dad decided ice cream would be the meal of choice for breakfast. <3

On the drive up, I remember spotting a coyote in a field and feeling proud that I spotted it from such a distance. My mom tries to find things too, but even with binoculars she's almost hopeless. My brother was debating with my dad on our route of choice, so we decided to stop at a ranger station to orient ourselves and figure out where the hell we were gonna go. Of course, the ranger station was completely closed.

Dad: "wow, the whole thing's closed"
Justin: "yeah, the whole colada"
Lauren: ">_< do you mean enchilada? 'the whole enchilada?'"
Justin: "oh yeah, I knew it was a food something or other"

I soon learned that our goal for the day was to see Boyden Cave [Cavern]. On our last vacation, we stopped at the exact same place, but for some reason, we didn't see the cave. A couple hours down a curvy, steep mountain road and we were at the visitor's center for the cave. We had time to kill so we got our feet wet in the river. It felt sooo nice since it was friggin' hot.

Not long after, we took a 15 minute hike to the entrance of the cave. Boy, it had some STEEP path parts. The whole time I just kept imagining a bicyclist trying to get up one; that had me amused all the way to the top. We waited for everyone to catch up at the entrance of the cave. Even at the entrance, you could feel the cool breeze from inside. The cave stays 50-55 degrees F ALL YEAR ROUND, which means that the cave is actually warmer inside than outside in the dead of winter. I thought it might get colder, but apparently all caves keep a relatively constant temperature, though each temperature is unique for every cave and its surrounding environment.

After the safety talk, we were allowed to walk along the path into the cave. NO TOUCHING! You kill the cave. It's still growing and by touching the cave walls, you prevent the water from depositing the minerals to allow the cave to grow. It had some pretty cool rooms in there. We saw all the stalactites and stalagmites and flowstone. It was really very beautiful. My gosh, there was this one know-it-all little kid that wouldn't stop talking. He had that annoying spoiled little boy kinda voice. He kept shouting out all the answers. CARBONIC ACID! GRANITE! NO TOUCHING! Jeesh.

Any hoo, my favorite part--other than just enjoying the general surroundings-- was the total darkness. Lights were placed throughout the entire cave. This one ditz lady asked, "What are those pile of rocks over there? They look like perhaps a girl scout or Indian formation." How thick can you get? The guide lady: "um, honestly, those were just placed there to conceal the light." DUH. We all sat in a big room and she turned off all the lights. WOW. You really cannot see shit. I had my hand two inches in front of my face and thought, "well, I think I can see it." The guide lady: "this folks, is total darkness. And if you think you can see your hand, it's just your imagination. You're in the complete absence of light.

My family took the more "dangerous" riverbed route out of the cave. Upon exiting the cave, it felt like someone threw a pelt over me. The heat just kinda falls on you. We wanted to see Crystal cave which was in the next national park, but we had to wait till the next day because we wouldn't make it in time for the last tour. We just drove around until we found some place to camp. The redwoods are truly a sight to behold. I couldn't stop looking out the window. We finally found a campsite in the late evening. It was a high bear activity region, so we had to put nearly ALL THINGS WITH SCENT in a bear locker. Shit, that took forever. But we did it. A previous trip in which the bears ate all our food was enough to teach us a lesson.

It was so hot, we didn't even need our sleeping bags (and the things are supposed to keep you warm down to 18 degrees F) which was a good thing because they were abnormally small. I zipped it up to find that I could barely move. I got a kick out of thinking how my dad was coming along with it...haha. I barely slept and woke up really early. On my way back from the bathroom, my dad comes up to me and says, "wanna see a big deer?" me: "Duh, YES!"

Not far from our campsite was a big buck just munchin' on a bush. It was a 2x3 (referring to the number of antler points). It didn't seem the least bit disturbed of us. My mom and I were less than 20 feet away. We managed to break camp and hit the road before the ranger came so we got a free stay. Lol. My family is cheap. My dad always tells me when he takes napkins from a restaurant, "one day, you'll understand."

On the drive up to Crystal Cave, my dad spots a bear on the side of the road. He flat out just pulls over to creep up and take a picture. It wasn't big or anything, but it's strong and has teeth. That's all that matters. He got pretty close and was able to get--I hope-- a good picture. Further up the road, I spotted two bear CUBS. They were adorable! I saw them poke their heads up from the side of the road, but we didn't dare get out of the car, didn't know where mama bear was…

Crystal Cave was much bigger and much more majestic than Boyden Cave. It was a steep half mile hike down to the cave. The entrance, to my delight, was a gigantic spider web with a huge metal spider as a door knob. Oh, the sweet fucking irony...what a way to welcome me, the arachnaphobe. Our tour guide, Courtney, AKA Turtle :], was much more entertaining and enthusiastic than the last one. I felt so proud when I understood what an aquatic isopod was. I even answered that the cave was made of marble (she addressed me as the "marine biologist" <3).

Throughout the tour, I couldn't help but feel humbled by its magnificence. Millions of years of forming and it's still growing. I saw a stalagmite that looked exactly like a penis. There was a beautiful piece of flow stone that was called the pipe organ. With a little imagination, all the structures seem to look like something; it's like seeing pictures in the clouds or in the cottage cheese stuff on the ceiling.

As usual, our tour guide was running low on her time (tour's go in every half an hour), but she wanted to show us total darkness. She turns off one of the lights and you hear these loud ass screams coming from not far back. Another tour group had entered the cave, and I guess they thought that the generator died and they were stuck in the dark. Gosh, it was too funny; they screamed as if they ran into a saber-toothed tiger or something.

Being the kind daughter that I am, I hiked up the trail really fast to bring water and trail mix back to my mom, dad, and brother. Next stop was Moro Rock. We went there last time, but my dad and brother didn't go all the way to the top. It was more exhilarating and spectacular the first time because it was all windy and clear. Still, the view and the workout are worth it.

On the way back down to our next destination, we had the scare of our lives. Coming down from Moro Rock, there was a bit of road construction. There was a stoplight that changed every twenty minutes to let up and down traffic pass because the road narrowed to one lane. We parked and looked around while waiting for the light. Not long after, the up traffic started to pass, so everybody returned to their cars to go. My dad goes to step on the brakes to put it into drive, and I hear and see the brake just fall to the floor. I look at my dad's face....FUCK!! We have NO BRAKES!!! We're 4000 ft up with curvy, steep 8% grade above and below us. He kinda moves to the side to allow traffic to pass, and all I hear is this pathetic blowing sound of the brake just falling to the floor.

Turns out, the van had got so hot that the brake fluid actually boiled which caused the brakes to fail. Eventually he got the brakes to work a little and we proceeded--last--down the hill in first gear. For about a two mile stretch we were doing 15mph. Once the van cooled down we got the brakes to work again. My dad did all that man-fixing-car-stuff at the gas station and we were good to go. Still, I had never seen an "oh FUCK" look on my dad's face. Had we not stopped and lost our brakes, we would've either crashed into the mountain or drove off the mountainside.

We made it to Lake Isabella and I immediately decided that we wouldn't stay there. It was ugly. There was no shade. The water was low. No, no, no, no, NO! Not staying here. Instead of camp, we stayed at the "Paradise Cove" Lodge because it was getting late. While I was grateful to have a bed and shower, I was also scared shitless. I remember being terrified of the ominous cloud of mosquitos flying around our car. As my dad was walking back from the entrance, I open the door slightly to yell, "DAD, HURRY! THE MOSQUITOS!!!"

We get inside our room and I felt like I time traveled. Aside from the TV, it looked like something from the 1930s-1950s. It smelled like my great-grandma's house. I thought it was haunted. I showered first and I kept thinking that I was going to be attacked by a poe with a sickle or a scythe. I perked up a great deal when I realized the room had cable and we watched three episodes of Blue Planet. There's nothing like beautiful ocean footage to banish your fears of being attacked by a Twilight Princess monster.

After shower and a good night's sleep in a bed, I felt much better in the morning. We watched what remained of Poseidon and I made my family watch the final fight of Cinderella Man. Later that day, we found our campsite for the next few days.

It was at the Gold Ledge campsite off of the Kern River. We had the perfect swimming hole. It was deep, there was no current, and there was a big rock to jump off of. It was hotter than hell, but the temperature was perfect. We also got to know the people in camp next to us. The man's name was Valentine and he was there with three of his sons and the son of a friend of his. We were all in the river most of the day. I could hear my dad and brother jumping off all the way from the campsite. I was scared shitless the first time I jumped. The rock was about 15 ft high; I've jumped off from a 30ft rock, but this one you kinda had to run down a slope to make it off safely. I just didn't wanna fuck up, slip, hit my head and DIE.

Once you start running, you cannot stop. I took a few steps forward and realized there was no getting out of it. I made it safely. It became really fun after a while (after the first five or so tries I wasn't scared at all to do it).

That first night, we had steak sandwiches. My brother and I mentioned something about eating better when we were camping. The day had been a fun one. The only downside was that I caught a glimpse of one of Valentine's balls. >< He's 56 and just had a bunch of operations so he had to have all these bags and tubes and was wearing loose clothing. He sat down and BOOM! Old man ...ball. shudder*. I kept thinking of Big Daddy and Adam Sandler saying "old balls."

The nights are so relaxing out there. We would've seen waaaay more stars had it not been a full moon and it was all so quiet. It was also my brother's birthday. After playing dominos and bullshit for a while, my dad and I put together some oreos, rasberries, and matches and sang happy birthday (it was my idea). I lay in my tent and through the little window, I could see the full moon in the sky. It sure is different when you have to take a walk to go to the restroom.
The next day was another perfect river day except for that one thing...

Anyway, I spent a great deal of the day trying to convince this one girl, Savannah, to jump off. She eventually did with her mom. My efforts to get my mom to do it were fruitless. I was gonna hold hands with her and run off like Savannah and her mom, but that didn't work out so well. She chickened out on me and I nearly slipped as I ran off looking backward.

While my dad was making one of our yummy random dinners, I lay on a big rock and read. It was so peaceful. I felt like I was on vacation. It is a very curious feeling to hate the full moon for hiding the stars but love it at the same time for being so pretty. It sure made it easier to walk to the bathroom. That night Justin and I made s’mores with rasberries in them. Mmmmmmmm fckn delicious.
I spent the rest of the night thinking what a cute voice one of Valentine's sons had. It was the perfect pre-pubescent voice. He sounded almost like a girl, but in a cute kinda way. My dad and then finished the night talking about what we though Justin would sound like after puberty.
I stabbed myself with my toothbrush in the breast in an attempt to catch it.

I felt it was a perfect night to use what was left of my mp3 battery. Justin and I laid on the big rock and listened to Dark Side of the Moon. It finished at about the time the moon rose over the mountain and blocked out the stars. Pink Floyd is perfect for camping at night. It made me think of all the fun park times and I became rather mellow and nostalgic.

The next day kinda sucked because the river was really muddy looking due to flash floods and thunderstorms somewhere up north. All the excess water had eroded the banks and made the water look like chocolate milk. I still swam a little and jumped off the rock anyway. At one point I thought I had grown hair all over my breasts. Some of the silt or algae was on my skin and it looked exactly like I had grown a lot more (and a lot darker) hair on my chest. I made sure to thoroughly shower...under a faucet. It was quite amusing.

We left the campsite to go into Kernville because it was just too hot and the river was worse than earlier. Valentine and his sons had actually seen river otters in the early morning. Grrr..I would've loved to see them. It was considerably cooler in Kernville with all the added greenery and shade. I sat on a rock with my feet in the water and read. I splashed like a little kid. There was a rainbow in front of me. It was perfect. That kinda peace was refreshing after hearing a military jet type thing fly through the area and created something of a sonic boom. It sounded like good ol' Zeus was coming down from his throne to smite us all with lightning and thunder.

We ate at El Rio in Kernville. Who in the hell would expect to find an authentic Mexican restaurant in the middle of Kernville, CA? An acquaintance of my dad's that we ran into (such a small world) recommended it to us. Good lord, those were the best taquitos I have EVER had. Toward the end, some elderly couple came up and asked us if we were from Norwalk. Now, I suppose it was obvious that we weren't from town, but how in the hell did they figure out the exact city? Simple: I was wearing my NHS soccer shirt. Duh. The dude was in the very first graduating class at John Glenn. Country people are so much friendlier. I also couldn't help but think Mexican people must get tired of hearing white people try to speak Spanish at a restaurant. White guy in the whitest accent possible: "muchos gra see us."

As we walked back to the car, I was wondering about a certain pipe and read what I thought was the sign to figure out what it was. Instead, I read a bumper sticker that said, "TESTICULAR FORTITUDE." LMAO. That was NOT what I expected. I like the word fortitude. :) I also had quite the conversation with my dad that night. My favorite two pieces of info were stuff about my sister and that my uncle was brought home by the sheriff for trying to steal a porn magazine from a liquor store. Hahahaha.

The next morning we woke up really early. It was cloudy and raining slightly. We broke camp and talked to Valentine and his sons before heading off to look for my dad's friend, Jim's, house. OMFG, he has such a cool house. It was like being in a Western museum; there were all this old rustic stuff everywhere. He even had a old horse coach. Jim looked exactly like a tan, country Santa, white beard and all.

That morning it was nice and cool and it smelled like rain, or rather, the smell of the rain on the asphalt. Later that day, we went to another national park. I shot a gun for the first time in my life, a Smith and Wesson 22 pistol. I shot all the cans. :D I was very proud of myself. It was 110F and we were shooting this pistol at a monster can and water bottles off of the side of the road.
After it got just waay too hot, we headed home. I felt sad knowing my vacation was ending. As soon as we hit traffic, all the city crap came back: the smog, the stress, the rush. It was as if an almost tangible weight was put on my shoulders as we came back. Regardless, I was happy to see Lorenzo and Fluffpuff again. They made me feel happy to be back home. :D